Wednesday, 28 November 2012


I have the desperate need to get out of my life and out of my head for a few hours, days or something.
Most of my life involves cleaning up after, taking care of, or trying to entertain my family. I feel like I am losing some of the things I like best about myself.
I want to do my thing without worrying about the rest of the household for a bit.  To do my crafting thing without one kid trying to eat the beads and wire, and the other trying to take off with them. To get some 'me' time without being afraid that the Monkey is painting with poop or dumping every bottle, can and bag of food and cleaning product he can scrounge into a big sludgy puddle to drive his cars through. That the Kitten is destroying another book or important paper that was somehow left within her ever increasing reach. That I am being neglectful or forgetting something important that needs to be done RIGHT NOW or disaster will ensue.
Yeah, I had another life once. I went to live rock band nights at the local bars. I spent hours playing with my beads and wire and clay. I stayed up late reading.
I am not sorry to be done with the remarkably stupid decisions, the crippling self esteem issues, and the debt producing spending habits of my misspent youth, but I really would like to find the real me somewhere in the mix. I feel slightly lost and afraid that this is it.
I will never have a chance to find out what I could really do with the business and art of jewelry making. My hubby is a good man, but he never really had much confidence in my ability to make money with my "hobby". He still talks about me getting a job when the kids are both in full day school. I should say to him that I want to do more with the jewelry, but when I rather tentatively bring it up, it becomes obvious that he doesn't believe in my little dream. So I drop it, not wanting to get into the inevitable argument over money and saving for a house of our own, a new car, stuff for the kids. I get that, I really do, but I end up feeling resentful and deflated just the same.
I still haven't figured out the whole balance thing. Kids, relationship, household, my stuff. Maybe I just never will. I really need to get over the restlessness, though. My temper is not helping. My patience is really shot.

1 comment:

  1. Keep up your dream one day it will pay off is not only your hobby but a money making apportunity one day "soon" will be up and running stay home is important for your kids money could be tight believe me I should know but I'd rather stay home with my son that be out there wondering if he or your daughter are ok you have an advantage that some other parents don't a spouse with a full understanding of having a child with special needs...